Last Updated on January 7, 2022 by ellduclos
I don’t really know how to start this blog post other than saying how much I have missed sharing content on this blog. I know it has been a hot minute since I came on here and shared new content. Many of you who are in my Boss Girl Bloggers Facebook community probably thought I would never share content on here again.
Over a year ago I lost my passion for creating marketing content and I didn’t know if I’d ever return. What I realized is that there was a reason as to why I had to take a break, that reason being that I needed to heal. I had a lot of inner child wounds that I had to work through and if I never took a break from this blog, I may not of found myself again.
I want to be completely transparent and vulnerable with you guys about why I took a break and what it’s going to look like moving forward. The main purpose of this blog post is to also talk about overcoming a fear of failing, which I think many in the blogging community can relate to.
I am going to leave my podcast episode if you’d rather listen than read. Either way, I hope that this helps someone listening who has dealt with similar struggles and I really appreciate you if you have returned back to read my content after all of this time.
Overcoming a Fear of Failing
If you have been following me for a while now then you might have known me as Ell the creator of Boss Girl Bloggers. This is where my journey really began, a journey that would forever change my life in ways that I never even expected.
Before I started my blog I struggled a lot with confidence and believing in myself. I always felt like the biggest failure and I always feared that my life wouldn’t amount to much. There was always this lingering feeling that I would struggle my entire life.
As I started to do my own self reflection, I realized a lot of this stems from conditioned mindsets. Like thinking that I need to be a college graduate in order to be seen as successful or actually taken seriously, but that didn’t happen. I dropped out of college almost as quick as I jumped into it when I really didn’t want to.
Even before college I felt like a failure. I struggled with my emotions a lot, constantly plagued by anxiety and I felt like no one around me really understood how much I was struggling at certain points.
My parents divorced when I was 13-14 years old, somewhere around there, and it was hard on me. I was always fearful of my dad growing up. This was due to him struggling with an injury that lead him to struggle with pain killers, which lead him to depression and short tempers, and eventually lead to a wounded relationship between the two of us. Meanwhile, my mom was a single mom who worked 2 and sometimes 3 jobs to provide for us while she searched for love and someone to help take care of us. She was always at work or dating, and because of all of this, I felt as if I was forced to grow up fast and be independent at a young age. However, this also made me feel like I didn’t have much guidance or direction when it came to making choices and dealing with my emotions.
I don’t fault my parents at all. I have gone through a lot of my own healing since then and in fact, I am a huge believer that everything happens for a reason. There was a reason why I was forced to be independent at a young age and it’s because it lead me to this very moment right now.
It’s so easy for me to think in the moment that I am failing or that the world is against me, but that’s not the case at all. The truth is, the universe is rooting for me and everything that happens, is happening for me. There’s a big plan behind the scenes, but back then I didn’t realize it yet.
Feeling Like A Failure
I realized there were many times I felt like a failure or that I wasn’t good enough before I saw the bigger picture. It probably started when I felt abandoned by my dad. This was when my grades started to suffer. I was never really seen as someone who had a lot of friends in school, I actually hated school. Most saw me as the quiet girl, but I tried to be friendly to everyone.
Since my grades suffered, I felt like a failure. I started to hate school because I never felt like I fit in and I was struggling with a lot of anxiety and depression due to my relationship with my dad and dealing with divorced parents. This was when I begged my mom to take me out of school my freshman year of high school. So she took me out of school and put me into online schooling.
With online schooling I had to teach myself and hold myself accountable to get my work done. It was online class, but again, no real teacher or guidance. I read, I tried to learn, and I failed again.
It was so hard to motivate myself to participate especially with my anxiety and depression. After that year I told my mom I needed to go back to school. Since I fell behind and my credits didn’t transfer over, I ended up having to stay back and repeat the grade.
I felt humiliated and I felt like a failure. However, this moment was actually a great shift for me because I had more friends in the grade below me. I felt more comfortable and accepted. This actually highlights my crazy need for external validation at this time in my life because I was wounded. I never knew how badly my inner world got. I thought what I was feeling inside was just normal, that I was overreacting, so I kept pushing and pushing my feelings away.
Finding Independence Through Struggle
After my 2nd freshman year of high school my mom found a new boyfriend and before I knew it we were moving to a new town and I was starting a new life.
I started my sophomore year in a new school and it was in this moment when I felt like I could be whoever I wanted to be. No one knew me or my past and I could show up as a version of me that felt confident.
The first day of school came and quickly I felt like a turtle who was ready to hide in her shell. I remember my first day… I walked into the cafeteria for lunch, just looking around at all the unfamiliar faces as I sat down at an empty table. This was the first sign I lacked confidence. I couldn’t even get myself to feel confident enough to introduce myself to someone.
I felt so humiliated sitting alone as tears started to stream down my face, but luckily a group of girls came over and introduced themselves to me so that made me feel better.
That school quickly reminded me of my hometown school. Just a small town school where everyone knew everyone and everyone grew up together. I never felt like I truly fit in, always feeling like an outsider.
More drama unfolded between me and my mom because I was a teen who just wanted attention, but wanted not to be bothered all at the same time. I felt like my mom was never home so when she was home and tried to make rules, I would rebel. I never felt heard.
I know now that my mom was just doing the best she could with what the universe threw her way. She had her own struggles and that’s often why teens fight with their parents. It’s so easy to get caught up in our own struggles that we struggle to recognize or acknowledge the pain those around us are going through too.
When I was 17 I got into a huge fight with my mom and her boyfriend. It ended with me moving out and moving in with one of my best friends and her mom. She was new to the school the year after me. She had a single mom and a strained relationship with her dad too. We had so much in common and we shared a bond that just felt like home.
I think for so long that’s all I ever wanted. I wanted to feel understood. I wanted to feel a sense of home, but my sense of home was lost between the chaos that constantly unfolded each home I lived in. Between the age of 13 and 21 I moved 8 times.
Creating Comfort Through Chaos
Change was something that suddenly felt like home to me. When my life wasn’t changing, I would feel uncertainty thinking to myself, when is the rug going to be pulled from beneath my feet next? I was always living in subconscious fear that something bad was going to happen and I’d lose it all.
When my parents first got divorced my mom had this one boyfriend whom I’ll never forget. We would always butt heads. He quickly moved in with us after my parents got divorced which threw me off right away. Then we left my childhood home to move into a new home they bought together. One day he snapped and started smashing computers and kicked us out. And I’ll never forget that day because it felt like a repeat of chaos and uncertainty.
It was these repeating cycles that constantly took place in my life as a kid and they followed me even after my high school graduation. I went to college, didn’t enjoy it, so I dropped out. I was a full time waitress barely making ends meet. Racked up thousands of dollars in credit card debt, lived paycheck to paycheck, or in this case, one tipped shift to the next tipped shift. I never had extra money unless it was my credit cards.
My life felt like a pile of chaos and mental breakdowns.
It wasn’t until one day I told myself, screw this! I can’t live like this anymore. When does this end? When do these feelings and toxic cycles break?
I realized I didn’t want to struggle anymore and I wanted to enjoy my job. That’s when I started my blog.
Starting that blog I got so inspired to share my story and journey with others. I realized that’s what my passion is. My passion is helping others see the potential within them. Maybe I feel so passionate about this because I never felt like I had that growing up.
Yes, my mom always believed in me. She wouldn’t talk down to me, but I never had anyone in my life who was available to be that guide for me emotionally. To be that emotional support system, who showed up and made my feelings feel validate on every level. Perhaps that’s an unreasonable ask, but it pushes me to want to help others know that they aren’t alone. That their feelings and struggles are valid.
So as I shared my own journey and my own struggles growing my blog, it quickly became something I was able to do full time. Although I always visioned that for myself, i was truly mind blown when I was able to make a living from it and pay off my credit card debt. It was like I finally found a sense of stability.
So what’s the kicker???
Well I had my BEST INCOME YEAR EVER in 2020, yet this was also when I decided to but my marketing blog on pause and completely change directions.
Isn’t that so fitting? My life felt stable and I created change and chaos!
In 2021 my income cut in half due to me not focusing on my marketing content anymore and feeling so completely LOST.
I didn’t feel inspired by marketing content anymore and I tried to pinpoint when this all started. I remember clearly that there was this point in 2020 when I had some other marketing bloggers criticizing my work. They were talking down about my content and making me feel all sorts of ways. Turns out, at that point in time, I let them win…
Self doubt started creeping in and I asked myself, is this what I want? Am I actually doing what I enjoy? This isn’t fun anymore. I was focusing so hard on numbers and caring way too much about what people thought of my content. This was just reflecting my self worth wound again and a deep wound that I have in connection to feeling stable in my life.
I’m sure someone reading can relate…it’s like your so damn used to chaos so as soon as things feel stable, you subconsciously create chaos. It’s because chaos feels comfortable and stability does not.
I always worried that my stability would be taken away from me, but isn’t it funny that in this moment it was ME who took my own stability away due to my mindset, fears, limiting beliefs and self doubt.
I didn’t see that one coming but there it is.
The Power of Healing
As I reflect, I realize there’s a reason why I made the choices I did and went through the lessons I did.
It lead me to my spiritual awakening which lead me to my healing journey. My healing journey then lead me to realizing why toxic cycles continued to repeat in my life. I realized what I needed to heal within me so that I can start showing up for myself rather than looking for that external validation. I know now that I can feel safe and comforted when it comes to stability because I deserve to live a stable life.
In 2021 I felt like a freaking failure, which is insane because I bought my first house on my own that year. I also just had the best income year ever being self employed, but yet I felt like a failure. Mostly because I felt like I let my audience down. I stopped creating marketing content and I walked away. I felt so lost and I was filled with uncertainty of where I was headed next.
There was a point where I felt so lost that I started thinking about going back to waitressing. Can you freaking believe it? I was going to fall right back into the same toxic patterns that I worked so hard to get myself out of all because of self doubt, fear and survival mode taking over my body.
But I didn’t do it.
And you know what I realized through this whole thing?
I am stronger than I give myself credit for. We all are. YOU are stronger than you believe.
We are handed so many lessons in life, but in reality these lessons are truly just opportunities to discover ourselves. To recognize that we are human and we have emotions that we are meant to feel and heal.
I am so grateful for every experience and decision that lead me to this moment because through it all, I found myself.
The truth is,
You can’t find yourself without getting lost first. Don’t be afraid to get lost. It’s all about trusting that the universe has your back. Even in the moments you feel alone, because damn life can be so lonely sometimes. But we are never alone. And when you find yourself again, it’s an incredibly rewarding feeling.
That’s what 2021 was for me. It was the year that I got lost, so lost. I lost a lot of my passions. I lost connections with a lot of my friends. I lost my sense of stability for what felt like the hundredth time. But it forced me to do the inner work and heal, and I am so glad that I did.
It’s not over because I really don’t believe we ever are fully healed. Healing isn’t linear.
So what’s next?
What I learned through all of this is that I don’t want to live a life that is extremely structured. I don’t want to be boxed in. If I want to talk about tarot and astrology one day and then marketing the next, I will. If I want to have Pinterest marketing clients while also creating podcasts about mindset, manifestation, and spirituality then I will.
I’m going to continue to live my life being fully transparent and authentic. That means follow my passionate impulses. Wherever my passion leads me is where I’m going to be.
And I know some people look at that and think “no, you need to niche down in order to be successful, you can’t focus on all of those topics at the same time.”
But I think we’ve all learned that I’m not one to follow the crowd. Know that you don’t have to either. What works for one person isn’t going to work for the next. Follow your passion even if society tells you, you won’t make it.
The truth is, even if it doesn’t work out, it’s going to lead you EXACTLY where you are meant to be! I promise one day the bigger picture will be revealed to you and you will be grateful you gave it a try.
You are not a failure if you change directions and you are not a failure if you decide to try again!
So I hope you found this helpful or motivating in one way or another. Your support means the world to me! Just know that my marketing content isn’t over. When I feel inspired, I will be sharing, so stay tuned.